Are you feeling some dissatisfaction in your relationship with your young adult child? Do you ever feel frustrated with communication, 
disconnected or even rejected? The parenting role never ends, but it can adapt.
Tuning into your child’s development allows you to respond to challenges in ways that maintain connection and strengthen your relationship and avoid disconnect. Parents have little control, but they always have influence. So how do we nurture that relationship– especially during those periods where we seem to have the least amount of control– while children are developmentally driven to seek autonomy, privacy and independence?
Prepubescent hormones trigger brain growth which lasts an average of 12-15 years. During this stage of development, it is the prefrontal cortex (or PFC) of the brain which is under construction. If you are curious what the role of the PFC is, just ask the car rental industry! They know incidental risks decrease as the prefrontal lobe matures.
The PFC manages complex cognitive functions and self-control. I tell parents that one of their primary roles during this stage of development is to act as their child’s PFC, but parenting through this stage is made easier if parenting strategies include opportunities for their child to practice developing executive functioning skills. Supporting the developing PFC can decrease disconnect and heated interactions between parents and their emerging adult children.
Respect their Independence
Author and professor of psychology, Jeffrey Arnett, Ph.D. coined the term “emerging adulthood” to describe the period between the end of adolescence and young-adult responsibilities of a stable job, marriage and parenthood. According to Arnett’s research, this phase has only arisen in the past few decades in response to social and economic change.
Many parents often worry about their child’s independence, struggling to let go of seeing them as extensions of themselves, rather than embracing their autonomy. Emerging adults need to be able to make their own decisions, even if they aren’t the decisions you would make. Some experts say the only time parents should interfere or intrude is if the emerging adult’s choices or actions may bring about irreversible consequences.
Many young adults remain financially dependent on their parents, to some degree. When this is the case, it can be difficult to let go of expectations or need to control things like their spending. Parents should strive to separate their child’s financial dependence from other aspects of their growing independence. Research shows that it is taking emerging adults longer than previous generations to transition to adulthood and achieve financial independence. Reasons point toward facts—in recent decades:
- Housing prices have grown 2.5 times faster than wages.
- Student loan debt has continually risen.
- Emerging adults are less likely to marry or seek partnerships until closer to age 30. Without a financial partner, financial independence can be delayed.
The current generation is also more apt to seek what Arnett calls “identity-based work” (or fulfilling work), versus what previous generations were willing to do just to just make a living. He also characterizes emerging adulthood as the age of Identity explorations; Instability; Self-focus; Feeling in-between; and Possibilities. Do these characteristics seem familiar?
Living at home with parents has become more common, and while it may not feel ideal to either the parent(s) or the emerging adult child, it does not have to be a stigmatizing or uncomfortable time. In this day and age, there are many benefits to multigenerational living arrangements.
Some tips for navigating relationships with our young adults, whether they are living at home or not, include:
- Respect each other’s independence, autonomy, and need for privacy.
- Establish mutually agreed upon expectations and boundaries.
- Create opportunities for interdependence, or ways everyone can contribute to the household or family.
Communication and Gen Z
The frequency of communication between parents and their emerging adult children has increased since chat apps, social media and mobile devices have become commonplace. Quantity may not feel like quality to most parents. Finding time for a phone chat or face to face communication may feel more of a struggle. It may be no surprise to know that Gen Z prefers visual communication, i.e. texting.
One of the most useful tips I offer parents (regardless of the age of their child) is Q.T.I.P. (Quit Taking It Personally). So much of what children do to annoy, defy, or challenge us isn’t meant to be malicious, push our buttons, or push us away. Many of their behaviors and attitudes are developmentally driven. It’s their way of testing boundaries, exploring social norms or exercising their autonomy.
The Circle of Security parenting model reminds parents to always be Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind. I think it helps parents to explore what this might mean at any given point in their parenting experience. When we don’t take personally our child’s failure to prioritize time spent with us, we are honoring their developmental need for autonomy. So instead of criticism or nagging, try to be okay with their pulling away, trusting they will come back around in time. Let them know you will welcome whatever time they make for you. Perhaps request to schedule routine video chats, meal dates or shared outings. Don’t forget to brush up on your SMS language!
Learning to Let Go
Sometimes my work with parents of emerging adults is about helping them find ways to let go and embrace their new stage of parenting by:
- Finding ways to stay in touch without getting overly involved with their child’s life or problems (they are rarely ours to solve anymore.)
- Stepping back or biting our tongues, so to let them figure things out on their own.
- Move them towards independence, by loaning money rather than just giving it freely- for example– or by supporting smaller expenses by keeping them on your cell phone or insurance plans.
- Strive for your own rich life, independent of your parenthood. Nurture your relationships with your partner or friends. Seek out fulfilling ways to spend your free time separate from your adult children.
The good news is that parents’ perceptions and feelings of dissatisfaction in their relationships with their emerging adult children don’t match the fact that most young adults report satisfaction with the level of involvement and communication with their parents. So, we are doing something right!
We Can Help
To get started with Parent Coaching, contact us at 800.383.1908, through the VITAL WorkLife App or contact us online. Your VITAL WorkLife EAP can support you in whatever stressors may be impacting you at home or work.
Sources:
- Emerging Adulthood. A Theory of Development From the Late Teens Through the Twenties. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett. University of Maryland College Park. May 2000. American Psychologist.
- Bite Your Tongue: The Podcast. Season 3, Episodes 72, 75
- https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/parents-young-adult-children-and-the-transition-to-adulthood/
- https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/02/14/millennial-life-how-young-adulthood-today-compares-with-prior-generations-2/
- https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/resources-for-parents/
- Hoffman, Kent, et al. Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York, NY, The Guilford Press. 2017.
