"What is wrong with me?" I wondered. 
I looked around, and everyone else seemed to be navigating residency so much better than me. I thought everyone was clear and confident that they wanted to become surgeons and that the sacrifice endured during residency was worth it, no matter the cost. I believed that others couldn’t relate to my struggle and that something was most certainly wrong with me.
I felt so alone–that I didn’t belong. The stories I told myself in my head grew louder and more pervasive.
After all the effort it took to secure my spot in a dream residency at a top choice institution, I felt guilty that I wasn’t happy or even content.
I was facing an existential crisis. After years of school and hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans, I felt empty and trapped. Why did I not feel the pride I thought I would when finally in training toward becoming an Air Force oral and maxillofacial surgeon- a role that I felt would prove my worth… to others and myself?
My heart still aches as I reflect, thinking about how much I placed my self-worth into that career, how proud I was initially when I was informed of my selection to embark on the journey and how much the self-doubt overtook my enthusiasm, filled me with dread, and eventually led to self-sabotage.
If I had only known, then, that I was not alone and that nothing was wrong with me when I began to question myself and my abilities, I could have reduced my inner suffering and grounded myself to better understand my inner conflicts. Was the conflict stemming from my career choice? My self-doubt? What was at the core of this inner turmoil? I’d have been in a better position to fully explore those questions if not so caught up in the shame and self-criticism, but instead had let go of judgment and asked myself those questions from a place of compassionate curiosity instead.
While hindsight provides clarity, at the time, my thoughts were clouded by depression that developed following the chronically high anxiety and lack of sleep. My nervous system was fried, and my energy was spent more on survival than tapping into curiosity. I numbed the mental pain by not eating and running, igniting an eating disorder that nearly killed me- certainly not what I’d prescribe to others who are hurting, yet so many of us numb rather than ask for help which reveals the harms of our systemic norms.
The Harms of Mental Health Stigma: A Systemic Issue
Knowing what I know now, it is devastating to realize how much unnecessary stigma around mental health conditions and barriers to seeking help still exist in medicine. The misconceptions around mental health and logistical obstacles to self-care only add to the suffering and contribute to the rising risk of suicide. Our healthcare system often pushes us to neglect our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being, training us to think that silent suffering is a noble sacrifice in the name of service.
For me, the stigma and thinking I was weak fueled feelings of guilt, shame and not enough-ness. Then, after getting mental health support, I lost my military career - being deemed “unfit” for military duty as someone who identified as being mentally and physically strong further exacerbated all that my inner self-doubts and feelings of unworthiness.
Lessons Learned: From Pain to Purpose
Reflecting on those years after much healing, one of the greatest issues was that my worth was tied to my career. In our society today, culture pushes us to develop performance-based identities. As such, losing my military career and questioning my oral surgery career translated to me questioning my life.
Additionally, the combination of sleep deprivation, under-nourishment, chronically high stress and anxiety and self-doubt led to the development of tremendous psychache and pervasive suicidality. The psychache was such a deep pain in my mind, and I craved relief. The exhaustion turned up the volume on the faulty beliefs and limited my capacity to think of the abundance of options available to me, and I was unable to feel hope. Thus, the only options I could perceive were to continue the path I was on or take my own life. Pivoting did not feel like an option as, at that time, I felt that I would rather die than face the guilt and shame of being a quitter—a narrative that I have since detached from as I see its fallacies and how that former mindset demonstrates the risks of performance-based identities that often lead us astray from what truly matters.
Detaching our Self-Worth from Achievements
To detach from those painful thought patterns and beliefs that our worth is tied to our career, I recommend cultivating a values-based identity. By taking time to identify what matters most to you and bringing awareness to the gifts you may share with this world through being who you are (over what you accomplish), you may ground yourself on living in alignment with your values and creating stability in an identity that is not dependent on performance-based outcomes.
Maintaining performance-based identities is risky. As demonstrated by my own journey, when we tie our worthiness to our careers, pivoting or losing our career may create instability in our sense of self and trigger beliefs that we are not worthy of living. While it may sound radical, it was real for me at the time, and likely feels true for many reading this, today.
Fortunately, there is hope and there is help. We can reclaim our narratives. We can recover from depths of despair when our brain may be unable to see the abundance of options that exist for our lives, and we don’t have to walk alone - I highly recommend seeking support and a community of belonging.
VITAL WorkLife provides a safe, confidential space for support through counseling, coaching and interactive screenings. Whether you need guidance reclaiming your self-worth or navigating your thoughts and emotions, there are compassionate, nonjudgmental humans available to support you with finding a path forward, at your own pace and on your terms.
Reclaiming our Narratives
For me, psychache always pointed to unmet needs–mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. When struggling, my mind, body, and spirit were raising a flag and indicating to me that something was wrong—not that I was weak. As I started listening to the sirens, I changed my inner dialogue from “What is wrong with me?” to “What do I need in these moments?” This compassionate inquiry has done wonders on my own healing journey. Thus, I invite you to ask yourself, “What do you need in these moments?”
Lastly, it warrants reiteration, please lean on a supportive, loving community. While our societal constructs often champion independence, it is at the cost of our well-being and meaningful connections- we are not meant to navigate this world alone.
We Can Help
Whether you are feeling overwhelmed with the stressors of life or struggling to find the right way to support a friend or family member in need, VITAL WorkLife is here to help. If you’re struggling with feelings of suicidality or need someone to talk to, we’re available day and night at 800.383.1908 to support you and those you care about.
If your organization is interested in life-saving solutions like AFSP Interactive Screening Program, included in our EAP & Physician Well-Being Resources solutions, contact us today. Together, we can make a difference in the well-being of your healthcare team.
.jpg)