When you do something wrong, it's normal—even healthy—to experience guilt. In many instances, a sincere apology is enough to "right" many wrongs. When financial or legal penalties are involved, many people are unwilling to publicly confess or apologize until they are "proven guilty." Yet, most will admit to themselves that they feel guilty—only sociopaths experience no guilt over harm or pain they cause.
Shame, on the other hand, occurs when a person can't separate guilt over bad behavior from an overall sense of being a "bad person."
"Shame and poor self esteem are closely tied," says Deb Wood, senior EAP consultant for VITAL WorkLife. "People with good self esteem can accept that while they've done something wrong, it's not unforgiveable. People who already feel inadequate experience each new thing they do wrong as proof they really are hopelessly flawed. Shame for them becomes extremely toxic."
Toxic Shame
How do you know if your shame has become toxic? Try this test: You've just gotten your hair cut, and the first friend you run into says, "Oh, you've cut it so short, I liked it so much better long."
Your internal reaction is:
- "Did it look better long? Oh well, I like it this way."
- "Oh, no! What have I done? I'm such an idiot. I never do anything right."
Nobody enjoys negative feedback but people who like themselves tend to be resilient enough to accept, dismiss or ignore it—without it affecting their basic self worth.
People with low self esteem often experience toxic levels of shame over things that aren't shameful. That shame devastates their already low self esteem in a vicious cycle that makes them feel unworthy of being accepted by others (I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. Nobody likes me.) that can lead to:
- Social isolation
- Depression
- Hopelessness
- Anger at self and others
- Self harm
- Abusive relationships
"Women with low self worth may find themselves feeling at home in abusive relationships," notes Wood. "They find someone who seems to recognize all their failings—and often fear they won't find anyone else who would put up with them."
Changing the Way You Think
Shame-based thinking is a habit developed over a lifetime that causes people to focus almost entirely on their failures rather than their successes. Based on a sense of constant failure and doom, shame-based thinkers begin to think there's no point in trying. Shame-based thinkers also tend to resent people who think well of themselves or who don't follow the same rules they've applied to their own lives (even though they've done so without success).
Turning this around requires the shame-based thinker to challenge his or her most basic assumptions, asking:
- Is this message really true?
- Would a person say this to another person? If not, why am I saying it to myself?
- What do I get out of thinking this thought?
- If it makes me feel badly about myself, why not stop thinking it?
There are many self-help books on the market—including John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You and Brene Brown's Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead—but many shame-based thinkers benefit by beginning with individual counseling and/or cognitive behavior therapy.
"Most people see enormous positive changes in their lives after they learn how to free themselves of the negative thoughts and emotions that have been holding them prisoner," notes Wood.
Overcoming Shame and Low Self Esteem: How Your EAP Benefit Can Help
Your EAP benefit includes free and confidential professional support services—24 hours a day, 365 days per year by calling 800.383.1908. Your benefit also includes free, face-to-face counseling with master's- and doctorate-level professionals.
"There's nothing shameful about asking for help," notes Wood. "Nobody likes making the first call but the rewards of taking that step are enormous."
Simply call 800.383.1908—any time of the day or night—for a free, confidential consultation. Our counselors can help you evaluate any issues you or a family member is facing over the phone. We can also schedule free face-to-face counseling at a time and place that's convenient for you.
Web-Based Work & Life Resources: Free, Unlimited Access
Your EAP benefit also includes unlimited access to a wealth of web-based work & life resources at the VITAL WorkLife website. You'll find helpful articles on increasing self esteem, including:
- Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide Part 1
- Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide Part 2
- Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide Part 3
- Feeling Good About Yourself: Self Confidence
- Painful Shyness in Children and Adults
- To find these articles, go to VITALWorkLife.com, click on Member Login and enter your user name and password.
- On the page that comes up, in the left hand column, click on the "Your Work & Life Resources" button.
- In the shaded area at the top of the screen, click on the pull down menu that says "Balancing" and pull down to "Personal Growth." Explore the articles under "Building Self Esteem"
Pathways to Well Being Call VITAL WorkLife at 800.383.1908 or access resources through your VITAL WorkLife App.
