In 2014-2017, I was an oral and maxillofacial surgery resident and in the military. I thought I made it. I thought I would finally get to breathe and focus on my work as I had secured my coveted residency position and was a proud active-duty Air Force member.
I thought I would finally feel worthy.
Instead, I became overcome with anxiety and self-doubt. Despite reassurance from my program director that I was doing much better than my mind offered me, I clung tightly to the belief that I didn’t belong.
I used every mistake or question I didn’t know (before giving myself the chance to learn) to prove to myself that I was a failure and not good enough.
Consequently, the risk of mistakes or not knowing the answers to questions from attendings felt like a threat to my nervous system. As a result, the chronic anxiety contributed to increased sleeplessness, and I numbed my fears and exhaustion by overworking, not eating and running. My tendency toward perfectionism intensified as I thought–if I could just be perfect, I would prove to myself and others that I am worthy, that I belong and that I am not a failure.
A flawed strategy that set me up for self-sabotage.
I wish I had known then that my self-doubt and anxiety were common, that I was not alone or broken–and that my reactions were a normal response to the circumstances. I also wish I had understood the importance of prioritizing sleep and proper nourishment of my mind, body and spirit.
I wish I gave myself permission to put my oxygen mask on first.
I wish I had known that the key ingredient to developing mental toughness is self-compassion, not beating yourself up and hoping to build yourself back up stronger. For me, the latter resulted in kicking myself when I was down, only exacerbating my own suffering.
I wish I could have acknowledged that the healthcare system creates barriers to our wellness and that it is healthy to feel unwell when basic human needs aren’t being met in a system that normalizes personal sacrifice and champions self-deprivation. Instead, I perceived my struggles as a sign of my weaknesses.
I wish I had known that pleasing people often serves a purpose to keep oneself safe, but in the end, it drains your energy and pulls you away from your own needs. Understanding how to detach from people pleasing and set boundaries would have helped me safeguard my well-being. I wish I knew that boundaries are essential to be able to sustainably give compassion to others, rather than see them as walls that kept people out.
I wish I had known that many people in residency develop anxiety, depression and question if their life is worth living. That I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t broken.
I wish I had known that our worth is not dependent on our achievements.
Had I known these things back when I was a surgical resident, I could have reduced my internal suffering and taken steps to prioritize my wellness that reached the core of what I needed at the time. Instead, I isolated myself in guilt and shame, exacerbating my psychache. I ruminated about my own perceived flaws and deficiencies. I lost my military career and nearly lost my life.
While it wasn’t obvious to me at the time as I questioned my value outside of my career, one key decision kept me alive… I chose to believe that no aspect of my career was worth more than my life.
A lesson I now pass on to all who need to hear it: No aspect of your career is more important than your life.
What led me to step back long enough to commit to life was one person who shared their story with me and helped me to see that I was not alone in my pain. One person’s story helped to save my life. Now, I share mine in the hope of reducing suffering and saving others.
If I could rewind the clock and be a surgical resident again, I would focus more on cultivating self-compassion, embracing the discomfort that comes with growth and making it a priority to nurture my mind, body and spirit. I would honor the reality that we cannot consistently give compassion to others without creating boundaries and meeting our own needs. I would acknowledge that feelings of anxiety and self-doubt are not signs of weakness but are natural responses to constantly learning and caring about the impact of our actions. I would hold space for all emotions with compassionate curiosity, not judgment.
While I can’t rewrite the past, I can apply these lessons to meet myself where I am today. I share these lessons for you to take and meet yourself where you are at, too.
Knowing what I know now, it’s clear that healthcare professionals are humans working in a system that often pushes us to sacrifice values and our own well-being - setting us up for mental health, existential, and spiritual crises.
Creating barriers to support is not the answer.
The narratives around struggling and asking for help need to change—leaning on community is an opportunity for growth. Mental health stigma has caused harm to healthcare professionals, and it played a large role in deepening my struggles with suicidality.
While we work to change the system, we don’t have to wait to reclaim agency to save ourselves. By identifying what’s in our control, validating the systemic contributions to healthcare professional suffering, and deciding how we want to work and live differently, we can reduce suffering, save careers, and save lives.
Let’s change the narrative around mental health and normalize leveraging support systems as a sign of being human: a species meant to live in community.
Our often-flawed cultural values and performance-based identity constructs lead many of us to prioritize what we do over who we are. If you take away anything from this message, I hope it is knowing and truly believing that nothing in your career is more important than your life and that your worthiness is not and never will be dependent on a job.
You matter. Your life matters. I don’t need your CV or bank account statements to know that.
Help is always available–please do not take on your pain alone. You are never alone.
If you or someone you know needs support now, call or text 9-8-8 or chat at 988lifeline.org to connect to a trained crisis counselor who can help.
Whether you are feeling overwhelmed with the stressors of life or struggling to find the right way to support a friend or family member in need, VITAL WorkLife is here to help. If you’re struggling with feelings of suicidality or need someone to talk to, we’re available day and night at 800.383.1908 to support you and those you care about.
If your organization is interested in life-saving solutions like AFSP Interactive Screening Program, included in our EAP & Physician Well-Being Resources solutions, contact us today. Together, we can make a difference in the well-being of your healthcare team.