Caught Between Parents and Kids? Help for the “Sandwich” Generation

If you have a parent age 65 or over, and are raising children or are financially supporting a child over 18—you're officially a member of the "sandwich generation."

It can be a tough spot for many people—particularly for those who are also working. How do you find time in the day to meet the demands of employers and loved ones, much less have any time for yourself?

If you're feeling overly stressed, you're not alone. The American Psychological Association found in their 2007 Stress in America study that mothers in the sandwich generation, ages 35-54, felt more stress than any other age group.

• Nearly 40% of those aged 35-54 reported extreme levels of stress (versus 29% of 18-34 year olds and 25% of those older than 55).
• Women reported higher levels of extreme stress than men, and also that they were less effectively managing their stress.
• Relationships also suffered—83% reported that relationships with their spouse, children and family were the top source of their stress.

"Many caregivers are embarrassed to admit the stress is getting to them," says Deb Wood, senior EAP consultant for VITAL WorkLife. "Ignoring the stress won't make it go away—or lessen the impact it's having on your mood, health and finances."

Impact on Physical, Financial and Emotional Health 

As a result of long-term stress, caregivers across all ages and genders also have higher rates of:

• Diabetes
• High cholesterol
• Hypertension
• Respiratory and heart diseases
• Obesity

Financial health is also affected, according to a recent Pew Research report:

• 48% of adults aged 40-59 have provided some financial support to at least one grown child (aged 18 and over) in the past year and 27% have provided primary support; that number jumps to 73% providing some support when just considering those who have children 18 and over.
• 21% have provided some financial support to a parent aged 65 and older in the past year
• 38% said both their grown children and parents rely on them for support

Perhaps the heaviest toll is on the emotional health of the sandwich generation. Research shows that caregivers have44% higher levels of diagnosed depression than non-caregivers.

It's not hard to see why. Caring for aging parents can be emotionally challenging—particularly when they resist accepting the help they need or lose memories important to you. It can also be physically challenging, as many caregivers injure themselves doing lifting and shifting for parents who want to remain in their homes.

Many caregivers feel inadequate about their abilities to care for their aging or ill family member. Some can't resolve who needs them more—the daughter with a varsity volleyball tournament or the mother who needs an ingrown toenail trimmed? Others worry that they aren't doing enough. Many are ashamed that they feel angry or resentful about their situation.

Something's Got to Give: 

Learning to Ask for Help

"When you're caught in the middle, it's tough to see your way out on your own," says Wood. "There are resources available for help with almost every aspect of caregiving if you're willing to make the call."

Practical support for almost every aspect of eldercare is available through the Eldercare Locator, a federally funded service that connects caregivers with local resources. Every county or multi-county area in the country has an Area Agency on Aging which receives federal funding to provide information and referral to family caregivers on aging and caregiving services, such as adult day care, respite care, home repair and modification, personal care and more.

Call the Eldercare Locator toll-free number (1-800-677-1116) or visit http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx to find the provider in your area.

Emotional support for the challenges of caring for parents, children and career can be found through your free EAP benefit.

Resources for Caregivers

How Your EAP Benefit Can Help

An EAP consultant can help you reduce stress and achieve better work/life balance by helping you explore:

• Self-care strategies—carving out time for the exercise, relaxation and sleep you need to stay healthy
• Setting boundaries—learning to say "no" nicely and stick to it
• Asking for help—and learning to delegate and let go
• Making a financial plan—using the financial and legal services available to you through your EAP benefit and at www.vitalworklife.com
• Having fun—identifying the people and activities that help you recharge your batteries

Your EAP benefit includes free and confidential professional support services—24 hours a day, 365 days per year by calling 1.800.383.1908. Your benefit also includes free, face-to-face counseling with master's- and doctorate-level professionals.

Simply call 1.800.383.1908—any time of the day or night—for a free, confidential consultation. Our experienced counselors can help you evaluate any issues you or a family member are facing over the phone and provide immediate assistance. We can also schedule free face-to-face counseling at a time and place that's convenient for you.

"We're here when you need us," notes Wood. "You can call any time you need help problem solving, setting boundaries or just to blow off steam. With so many people counting on you, we encourage you to count on us for the support you need to tackle the challenges of being a caregiver."

Web-Based Work & Life Resources:

Free, Unlimited Access

Your EAP benefit also includes unlimited access to a wealth of web-based resources at the VITAL WorkLife website. You'll find articles, information and tips on caregiving that meets your needs, including:

• Caregiver Guilt
• Self-Care for the Caregiver
• Signs Your Elderly Parents Need Help and What to Do About It
• Six Problem-Solving Steps for Caregivers
• Planning for the Future: Talking About Finances and Legal Matters with Elderly Parents, Parts 1 & 2

Log on to your member website by clicking member login above to access these resources or  contact us online.